I lost my father when I was two years old and a few years ago, I've been close to death and lost my elder brother in the event. This awakened in me a rampant fear, fear of being ill, of dying, of loneliness and of ceasing to exist. Since that day, all these fears disturb me and impact my life. The fact of losing brings me a great suffering and strenghtens the fear of keeping losing the people I love . . . All these thoughts and feelings make me sometimes feel like I'm going mad. I hardly sleep since years ago, all this disturbs me . . .
On the other hand, I regard myself as a life warrior with an iron will. I practice Aikido, a wonderful wat I've met a few years ago and start practicing zen meditation by myself. I only long for peace in my mind and in my heart and for living here and now. I know that practicing is the way, but negative thoughts and emotions are so strong that I'm forlorn most of the time and this brings much suffering to me and to others. I've not cried since many years ago . . . What should I do? Thank you Master for taking some of your precious time to answer me. Arigato.
Answer from Master Kosen
We all have the same kind of fears. Above all the fear of losing the people we love, should they leave us or should we leave them. There is no other advisable attitude than the warrior's who calmly but firmly faces his fate here and now, sitting in zazen or standing in front of the enemy.My Master called this fear awareness of Mujo, of impermanence. The fear of Mujo is precisely the reason why you practice.
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