Question
Greetings from the other continent, dear Master Barbara Kosen,
Dear Master, I am writing to you about a particular subject: “women.” I know you will be able to
understand me when I draw this very significant duality.
I have been practicing zazen in a dojo for a year and a few months. I intend to
be ordained as a bodhisattva at the next summer camp in 2007, at the temple in Córdoba,
Argentina. So far in the story… everything is fine.
But here is what is happening: I have a problem with my wife. She is not interested in anything
to do with Zen. More specifically, she does not want me to be involved in this
practice (zazen, specifically). We have problems over the subject itself. She says
that during the time I have been practicing, I have changed significantly, that I am no longer
the person I was a while ago, that I am no longer so spontaneous, no longer so
fun, etc., etc., etc. She has even told me: “That cult is brainwashing
you. Those Japanese people are changing your spirit… you are a seated spirit, not
the person you used to be: funny, spontaneous, likable, etc…” In
short, she says it is bad for me. I have begun to think that perhaps she is jealous that
I have so much intimacy with myself.
Perhaps she is right that I have lost my spontaneity and stopped being
fun. But what she does not understand is that I am going through a process… everything
inside me has shifted, and it has been incredible (zazen is very powerful). It is what I call “the
snow globe effect” (that object with water and little pieces of snow
inside, along with a snowman): when you move it, everything inside gets
stirred up, and when you leave it still, the snow begins to fall until you can see
inside… And of course, perhaps she does not understand that, because if I explain what I have
just explained to you, she would say: “Stop being so fucking ZEN”… to the point
that she warned me: “Choose: zazen or me”… In fact, I no longer talk about zazen with
her, because a while ago she told me, “Don’t be such a zazen maniac” (hahahaha… the
terminology makes me laugh). And now that I do not talk to her about zazen, she says, “You are
selfish because you don’t share your processes with me”… Who can understand her?
Master: if what happens around me is a reflection of my mind… what
should I do? I have thought about stopping zazen for a while to benefit our
relationship, but then I say: “NO… Zazen does not destroy marriages. Perhaps I am the one
who needs to change. I am too fanatical, too attached to zazen… I don’t know…” How
can I understand this situation, and at the same time, how can I face it?
Thank you, Master, for your patience.
Christian.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Hello, Christian,
Thank you for your question, but I experience what you describe with my disciples, most of whom are men. Even though we sleep in the same bed, our dreams are not identical. Love mixes with possessiveness, and this is normal because, until now, we have never received a true education about love as children. We are ignorant of true love, and that is a shame. Here in Spain there are many crimes of passion, every week. It is horrible. So continue zazen, and with time your wife will calm down. One day, bring her to a practice session. It might be in a year, in ten years, or never; anything is possible. One disciple’s wife insulted me one day, but in the end her husband continues; he is at the dojo every morning. We always have to balance our lives: if we add something, something else goes. What is clear is that zazen should not engender anger and passions, and you can share your practice with her unconsciously, automatically, and naturally. Good luck.
Kosen