Question
Let me set the scene… A woman loves a man, and they have children together. Then she discovers Zen… becomes a nun. She gives her time to the sangha, renouncing many aspects of life as a couple (sex, outings with the man and children…) and family life (vacations, weekends, and time outside work are devoted to sesshins). Despite everything, they continue living together to raise their children together (the youngest is then four). The man raises the children. The woman devotes herself to the Way. After a long period of abstinence—two years—the man meets another woman. Let us call her X. He falls in love, and they begin a deep, tender, sexual relationship. The man explains to the woman that he is in love. She says she is happy for him but reminds him of their four children and their inability to understand if their father explained the situation as, “I live with your mother, and I am in love with X.” Yet she does not give up living under the same roof as the man, which allows her to pursue her spiritual path while being relieved of everyday material responsibilities. The man does not ask to separate either. He thinks the children, who have already experienced periods of major upheaval, could not bear it. So he decides to give up his new love because X suffers from the secrecy. Nevertheless, the man and X continue seeing each other platonically for a year… Then they fall into each other’s arms again and resume their relationship where they left off, unable to give it up completely. Another year passes, during which the woman continues her life as a nun and the man suffers—from lying to his children, and from seeing X suffer too, because she struggles with having to hide her love from her family, friends, and especially her own son. But the man cannot shake
the idea that separating from his children’s mother would be selfish. So he and X consider breaking up again.
The question is: who is selfish?
The man, because he makes X suffer by not letting his love prevail? The woman, because she keeps beside her a man who could be happy elsewhere, without offering him a life as a couple? X, because she will not give up this man, who has children and does everything to maintain their stability? Two of them? All three?
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Do not tie yourself in knots over the children. They have their mother who loves them and you who love them. You also love their mother, and if you are happy with Ms. X, flourish with her. Children need things to be simple and clear, and their parents to feel good and fulfilled. Surely they will also be happy to know Ms. X and receive her love. What matters is that you and their mother accept this situation as the best one. The children will follow without difficulty if they sense no conflict or problems between you.
Kosen