Question
Hello,
After working in a terribly self-centered profession, I am now a teacher. This choice arose partly from needing stable work for my family, but also from wanting to give to others, to give a practical, constructive direction to what would otherwise remain a soulless livelihood. So for two years I have chosen to work in a very difficult middle school. In truth, it is a terrible ordeal. I think I overestimated my strength—I am determined by nature, even willful—and the punishing working conditions exhaust me so much that, despite being aware of it and trying to protect myself through sleep, diet, and exercise, I fall into such nervous and emotional tension that my body literally burns inside. I know that is a strange image, but it is truly what I feel: a sensation of inflamed tissues that of course also affects my psyche and leads to extremely painful hypersensitivity. In short, everything now seems dull and gray—family life, ambitions, desires, the joys associated with them—and the reactions of people around me or whom I encounter seem excessive and violent. You will say these are symptoms of depression. But to tell you the truth, I wonder whether that is what it really is, or whether this ordeal might be beneficial: by once again destroying an ideal image of myself working for humanity's good, might this painful, trying deconstruction help me see the emptiness of phenomena more clearly? The problem is that my machine, my body, suffers too.
Oh, this long, indigestible speech—sorry—brings me to ask whether I am stretching the string too far. And if so, would it really be so serious if it broke?
Best wishes, and thank you so much for your attention.
Célia
célia
Master Kosen’s answer
You have done it for two years! Some might last five years, others only one, but you have done it. If your body tells you to stop, listen. You may be more useful in another setting, and someone else may be more useful in your place. Be kind to yourself, and thank you for your gift to society. Education is the most important thing for future generations.
Kosen