Question
Stéphane, I have a serious problem: I practice with a Soto Zen master whose teaching I have followed for two years. I practice with him and his sangha every day, twice a day.
This master very quickly gave me many responsibilities: shusso, kyosaku, bell, ino, taking notes in the dojo and at sesshins, secretary for one service and then another. He asks me to attend every meeting between dojos or aimed at promoting Zen, and asks me to take on still more responsibilities.
This has taught me a great deal, and I feel deep gratitude toward this master, because although I am a responsible person in life, I was not especially keen to take on all these duties in the dojo. To me, the greatest responsibility is to keep practicing zazen and to live by illuminating life through the eyes of zazen.
I know we need
responsible people to promote Zen and help masters continue their mission. But the problem is that for two years, with zazen after zazen, sesshin after sesshin (at least one or two a month), and responsibility after responsibility, I have forgotten to live. I am exhausted, I get sick, and I have put myself in serious financial trouble because I no longer even have time to do my
accounts. Sometimes I do not have time to wash, and often I eat only once a day because I have no time to shop or cook… because on top of all this, I work.
I have forgotten to live! Now I cannot take any more. I look like a wreck, I have lost a lot of weight, and I am out of breath. Moreover, for two years the dojo has been heavily focused on ritual, Japanese-style, down to the last millimeter: perfect, impeccable ritual, no mistakes… Outside the dojo, the master has coffee with us for half an hour after zazen and leaves. Sometimes in the evening we spend a short hour together over herbal tea after zazen, and that is it: this master never sees us, his disciples, outside the dojo except by appointment for an individual interview.
But it is killing me! I need my brothers and sisters who do not practice zazen. I need the whole of life, not just to practice inside, within the dojo, the sangha, the group, but everywhere…
So I began by resigning from one of these responsibilities because I feel faint; I actually pass out in the street. I need to see a doctor and rest. But I want to give up everything except zazen, still go to the dojo every day to practice, but resign from all my responsibilities at once—in the dojo, of course, not in life.
Help me, tell me whether this is a good decision, give me advice.
Guillaume
Master Kosen’s answer
Too close and you burn; too far away and you are cold. It is like a ball of fire…
Even a master must not make you lose your center. You must guide your life and make your own choices. It is like being on an airplane: you have to put the oxygen mask on your own face before helping others; otherwise you pass out and cannot help anyone.
Ordinary life is a good master and can enrich your practice just as much as remaining cloistered in a Zen world cut off from everything else.
For my part, I follow Master Deshimaru’s teaching; he taught us to integrate our practice into real life. Sesshins and summer camps are occasions to plunge 100 percent into the world of Zen. But we must not forget our own responsibility to manage our lives, and no master can do that for you.
Keep helping the Dharma as much as you can, but only if you do so with natural joy and it makes you happy. Otherwise, make room for someone who wants to do it more than you do. Remember, there is nothing to lose except the happiness of living each moment.
Kosen