Question
Hello, Master Kosen,
Thank you with all my heart for your sensible advice.
1) The psychiatrist I saw for those five years has retired. (Her daughter now practices as a psychologist in her office.) This morning I left a message on her personal phone asking her to refer me. I am devastated at the thought of going over all this paralyzing suffering again. I should tell you she diagnosed me as bipolar, and I am still in denial, although I sometimes accept it. The idea of putting what is inside me in order suits me perfectly; however,
I do not know which kind of psychological work would be most appropriate for me.
I no longer want to rehash the past just to release emotions. I have cried too much; I still cry, but there is nothing constructive in it. I live in a village in Aube, 45 km from Troyes and 50 km from Auxerre.
Perhaps you know people you could recommend who could help or guide me?
2) I found the website talentides.fr, which offers a writing workshop among other things. I emailed to ask whether I could meet the instructor for support with a writing project (although I do not really have one!), and I am waiting for a reply.
When you advise me to channel the artistic strength within me to illuminate all this darkness, should I understand that you are referring to the text of my first message?
If so, will you allow me to send you some drawings and paintings I made when I was homeless? (I do not know how to send attachments with this message.)
As it happens, this means of expression sustained my entire "youth," and I wanted to be a painter. You tell me I must create, build, transform, and give birth to works... I have not painted for almost ten years, apart from a few ballpoint-pen portraits in a café after a few beers! Rare moments of silent sharing, infinitely precious, between the person and me. You know, like in Léo Ferré's song:
People—we should know them only when they are available at certain pale hours of the night, near a slot machine, with human problems, simply, problems of melancholy.
Then we have a drink, looking far behind the mirror over the bar. And we tell ourselves it is very late.
Some time ago I turned to Chinese calligraphy and sumi-e. (That is actually what later brought me to zazen.) Alone, I did not persevere.
Do you also know anyone you could recommend who, through sharing and friendship, might help me reconnect with this other means of expression?
3) At times I try to make my breath soft and tender, but I still have so much hatred toward myself that it does not last long and is not very convincing. You know, when I read your reply, I burst into deep sobs. Even now my throat tightens, and tears often flow or hover just beneath the surface.
4) The Conflans-sur-Loing dojo is 108 km from my home. The person listed as responsible for it on your site apparently also attends the Zen group in Sauilly (Diges), affiliated with the AZI, I think, which is 67 km away. I still have not contacted them because I have not yet dared tell my partner about zazen. I find it so hard to share all this with him because I fear his reaction and his approval matters so much to me. I lack courage and am at an impasse for now.
I do not think I have managed to be simple and practical, as you asked. Forgive me for taking up your time with this long message. Please know that your words are precious to me.
Warmly,
caroline…
Answer from Master Kosen
You seem extremely effective and diligent.
Move forward step by step; things will fall into place in your life.
If it does not always work the first time, be patient and persistent. It is obvious that you have artistic talent that can find expression through various disciplines, whether to teach it or express it. And get it into your head that we are all bipolar; electricity and magnetism themselves are bipolar.
Go on!
Kosen