Question
I have been practicing zazen for only three weeks. During the first week, in a zazen session, I had (hard to describe) a kind of awareness of my being. My kimono collar was sitting incorrectly. The master put it right quite roughly. I, who cannot stand hierarchy (I am not easy with my coworkers), began crying softly; tears ran down my face (admittedly my eyes are sensitive, and incense does not help). But this time it was not the incense; it was a gentle emotion. Since then, I think I can distinguish good and bad in my being. But now it feels as though I must rebuild myself and end my bad habits, and those bad habits are resurfacing stronger than ever. So I am afraid and not afraid (ridiculous). It is as though I am watching someone other than myself do foolish things. I used to be very attached to myself and my appearance; now I barely look in the mirror to shave. I continue zazen, even though my body rebels during sessions. I could write pages and pages… I am rather terribly lost. I am not asking for an explanation—it would be useless—just a word.
Thank you.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Merry Christmas!
Kosen