Question
I am writing again simply to share my experience and reassure myself for next time. Next time is tonight.
It happened yesterday, actually; everything happened within the week. I had been feeling lonely lately, very lonely, and above all I thought it was because I was this or that—nothing good, in any case. Then I wrote to a friend, and as I wrote, I realized first that I was far from alone, and second that the problem was not being alone, but not loving myself. I had been thinking in circles about things that made me sad, especially things with no reality, things that were false. Since I have been on a spiritual path for a long time, I finally understood that day that I needed to be wary of my mind: it was producing utter nonsense, and I was giving it complete credibility. Whatever I thought, I believed was true.
So, without hesitation, I decided to drive away bad thoughts and cultivate good ones. The story does not end there. It continued last night. I had meditated a little, sitting in half lotus and following your advice, then danced and whistled, and finally talked with my mother. In the end, when I went to bed, I was a little sad and did not know what to do. My question was: “Should I spend time meditating, join a Zen dojo, and cultivate friendships? Or is all this ultimately a waste of time that will get me nowhere?”
Then, lying curled on my side, I felt my body, especially my legs, and suddenly something rose toward my head at incredible speed, like an immense feeling of well-being and awareness of something else within me. My first thought was, “Thank you, God.” I was aware that what I was experiencing had to be it: awakening.
Then I became afraid. Afraid of how it would change me. Afraid of the unknown, of what would happen next. And despite really trying to remain still in that feeling of awareness, it left me very quickly, leaving only a little something extra—or rather a lot, I don’t know. I woke up in the middle of the night, and it happened again on a smaller scale. This time I consciously controlled it and said, “That can wait.”
A second thought had come to me during the first experience: I was not actually becoming superhuman, but simply gaining an expanded—complete?—awareness of my reality, of something living within me without “me” ever noticing.
Today I felt really good, relaxed, happy, content to exist. With my coworkers, I naturally showed a face I liked. I loved people and could not wait to experience it again, all the way through this time. Today I thought about a few things and told myself that even when we are awakened, we are still at the threshold of something else; we always have progress to make in our human nature, and whatever happens, I will remain this somewhat fearful and very emotional being.
But that experience alone showed me that with a little effort, I could be happy and relaxed, and that I was capable of profound kindness.
So tonight I will try again. Since it happened spontaneously, I do not really have a method. I just hope I can detach again and, this time, not flee the unknown. I hope to be serene enough to accept change.
And I have a question for you… What I describe here—do we then experience it permanently? And do my little reflections today on human nature really make sense?
With warm regards and thanks for taking time for internet users, and as I prepare to take the great leap tonight, I will wait patiently for your answer.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Indeed, we are all subject to doubt and discouragement, and we all have free will that allows us to control our minds and create a positive reality that fills us with pure joy.
Everyone can create their awakening each day through their thoughts and actions.
Kosen