Question
I have practiced zazen for ten years now, first alone, then at the AZI, and now alone again. In daily life I also try to be as attentive as possible, in the present reality. Paradoxically, although my deeper emotional and psychological state feels less like a “roller coaster,” my mood is steadier, and my relationship with the world more peaceful, lately—though I must admit I have always been quite uncompromising, first with myself and then with those close to me, with a concern for perfection and a need for absolute frankness—for the past few months, or even longer, I catch myself feeling bursts of irritability whenever someone “puts a foot wrong,” really whenever they break their word or are not completely honest. I have a hell of a time breathing out and letting the emotion pass. It appears despite myself, before I am even aware of what it is, and inevitably carries me too far: I say what I think about it, if it is someone close to me. Even if I have the strength to remain silent, that irritation, that hurt—because that is how I feel it, even when there is no reason to dramatize it so much—sooner or later resurfaces after another clash with that person, and once again I spit out everything on my mind, not violently, but by arguing, certainly too dogmatically. The exchange can quickly turn sour: I lose my temper. I almost feel I am regressing to an infantile stage, or never got beyond it, where if the world is not under my control or does not work as I would like, my whole body boils with anger, dissatisfaction, and wounded vanity. I find it terribly hard not to feel affected, to let things slide, not to feel overwhelmed—perhaps by accumulated old wounds resurfacing then, reactivated by a trifle. In short, I do not know. I wanted to be clear and concise; that did not quite work out, sorry. Have a good day.
Anonymous
Master Kosen’s answer
I understand. I think I am even worse than you, and I think this is something general, something social. Our consciousness is changing; we cannot stand the level of lies, injustice, and waste in today’s society anymore. A future that, even if we pretend not to see it, is increasingly uncertain, a lot of tension, too much information. We absolutely must manage to master our emotions and anger. Time spent in zazen is precious and can help us.
Kosen