Question
I would like to ask you something. I have tendinitis that began just before the late-winter sesshin and now prevents me from doing zazen. I try to maintain the bare minimum: two zazens a week at the Saint-Étienne dojo, but each time it inflames my adductors again, and I realize just how “attached” I am to zazen, to Zen. I feel guilty about not doing zazen, not attending sesshins or samu, and I think, shit, after more than ten years of zazen I cannot even calmly get through a period of my life when apparently I may need to take a break until it heals. And on top of that, the spring sesshin and the inauguration are coming. So I no longer know whether to take a real break or push through until the sesshin. What do you think? (Well, I don’t know if there is anything to answer.)
See you soon, JF.
JF
Answer from Master Kosen
Listen, last week I visited my children and grandchildren and did not do zazen, and this week there is construction in the Montpellier dojo, so we cannot practice. I am taking the opportunity to get seriously sick, swine-flu style, and stay home. I realize how much zazen structures me as a Buddha while at the same time dismantling my structure as an individual. Yet both the Buddha and the individual are important to fulfilling one’s life. Dismantling the individual is essential for its development, and structuring the Buddha allows it to fulfill itself within us. I realize, then, just how indispensable this practice is for living life as I like to live it, but indeed our relationship to zazen cannot be one of dependence. However, the path that frees us from that dependence is exactly the opposite of the one we adopted to manage to practice seriously. And the individual, moving away from this experience, feels no difference; on the contrary, they have more time for themselves and no longer feel the constraints of the discipline. I think zazen cures everything. I once had a car accident. After a few days in the hospital, I came out sore and stiff everywhere. I did zazen, and by the end of it, nothing was wrong anymore. A few years ago I had intestinal surgery; they opened my abdomen. Seven days after the operation, I was leading a day of zazen at the dojo. This winter I fell very hard on my back while going to zazen at the new temple, injuring ribs, my left shoulder, and vertebrae. At first I thought I would have to return to my room; I could no longer breathe, but I went anyway. Then I went to Argentina and led a month-long summer camp. I still have a little pain, but it is finally getting better.
Once my knee hurt—it was fashionable at the time. I went to see a specialist; he handled me like a brute, hurt me even more, and said I needed surgery. I told him to fuck off, and the next day I led a sesshin with a huge knee and clay compresses. In the end I never had surgery, and my knees are perfectly fine. I know many people who stopped zazen because of their knees. I have had abscesses, amoebas, even spells cast on me, and never stopped zazen. Now, with age, I am becoming more relaxed. I wonder whether I am starting to think about retirement? But I would not risk advising others to do the same as me, in case zazen makes things worse for them and they end up disabled for life because of me. In your case, though, I think it is all due to the trauma of Saint-Étienne’s results, as they head toward Division 2, and you are seriously afraid we will make fun of you.
Kosen