Question
Master Kosen,
I am ashamed to ask you a question when I do not sit.
I was born and grew up in a dysfunctional family, with a father who had two wives whom he beat and mistreated. Black magic and clandestine activities were commonplace and put us in danger, while violence, lack of love, ignorance, abuse of power, psychological abuse, and sadistic behavior just for pleasure were especially frequent. Let us say I am both the daughter and the sister of all this.
I moved to another country. I was sad to be far from my family, yet I also felt closer to myself and felt I had found my way. When I realized I needed nothing else, a man I cared about immensely came to tell me he wanted to start a family with me. When he left, I decided to follow him and return to my country, because what I wanted most in the world was a child. Until then, I had felt the time was not right because I needed more peace in my heart. But since I felt better and healthier, and considering I was 30, illusion carried me away. Joy blinded me to the point that I saw nothing but a pregnant belly. During the return journey, I was deported for overstaying illegally, and when I arrived, the bond with this man had disappeared. So now I am paying the price for my carelessness and am forced to stay for an indefinite period. I returned three months ago. A glimmer of love for my family remains, and I know it will stay alight, but it is terrible to keep loving them because it makes me want to get closer, and getting closer always ends up hurting me.
Many things have happened in a very short time, and although I know this helps me grow, I feel deeply anxious and am so afraid that I do not even allow myself to cry.
I suppose all this is the consequence of my karma, but I want to move forward. I feel as though it is an oil slick swallowing me and turning me into a shadow. I am afraid of them and of myself, and sometimes feel a very deep wish for death that, although it will not lead me to suicide, is very heavy to carry.
I would be infinitely grateful for a few words from you.
Thank you and best wishes.
Alicia
Answer from Master Kosen
Stay open to positive solutions. Remember Shakespeare's phrase: "All's well that ends well!"
If things are not well yet, it means it is not over yet.
If I had been single and younger, I would have married you, but surely there is another man who is exactly right for you, and you yourself are right for him.
Write to me as soon as you have met him.
Kosen