Question
Master, I lost my father when I was two. A few years ago I came close to death and lost my older brother in that event. It awakened a latent fear in me: fear of getting sick, dying, loneliness, and ceasing to exist. Since that day, all these fears disturb me and express themselves in my life. Loss causes me great suffering and feeds my fear of continuing to lose the people I love... all these thoughts and feelings make me feel I am going crazy at times. I have not slept well for years; all this troubles me...
On the other hand, I see myself as a warrior of life with an iron will. I practice aikido, a wonderful path I discovered in recent years, and am beginning to practice Zen meditation on my own. I only want peace and tranquility in my mind and heart and to live here and now. I know practice is the path, but the thoughts and negative emotional burden are so strong that I am lost most of the time, causing much suffering for me and others. I have not cried for years... What should I do? Thank you, Master, for taking your precious time to answer me. Arigato.
lukitas2013
Master Kosen’s answer
We all have these same fears within us, especially the fear of losing those we hold very dear, whether by seeing them leave or by leaving ourselves. There is no other attitude to recommend than that of the warrior who calmly but firmly faces his destiny here and now, in zazen or standing before the enemy.
My master called this fear the awareness of mujo, impermanence. It is precisely this fear of mujo that motivates our practice.
Kosen