Question
Hello, Master Kosen,
I often hear that practicing zazen "isn't about making samsara more comfortable for the ego." OK. I really don't see how we could manage that anyway. In recent years, I have often been criticized for seeking, through zazen practice, a way to treat this wretched thing labeled "manic-depressive psychosis or bipolar disorder," while simultaneously striving to practice zazen correctly or rightly (mushotoku, shikantaza...). Every time I state with unshakable conviction during mondo that both are possible together, I get sharply reprimanded.
I adopted this approach because this very debilitating illness is a serious obstacle to regular zazen practice. I suffered terribly from it for years because it wrecked my life, socially and spiritually. One day I had had enough: I told the shrinks to get lost and stopped listening to senior practitioners or Zen teachers who tell me my practice is incorrect. I decided to put an end to bipolarity.
I did my own research into brain plasticity. I came to the conclusion that although medication is necessary to stabilize the chemistry, unfortunately it locks the brain's configuration in place because it does the neurons' work for them. I cross-referenced all this with what Master Deshimaru wrote about the brain in various books and drew up a strategy for a war without mercy. Enemy number one: chronic depression. The lethal weapon: the sword of zazen (faith in zazen). The method: the more depressed I get, the more zazen I do (more sesshins, more solo practice), generally from June to December. The main criticism of me is that I openly state: "Yes, I am using all the resources of Zen (the posture, zazen, breathing, discipline, and even samu), not just to treat myself but to recover completely from my mental illness." At worst, I get a harsh dressing-down; at best, a tender smile...
Because either the brain is plastic or it isn't. And if it is (as I understand it, Deshimaru says in various ways that the brain is a dynamic system, constantly reconfiguring itself), then yes, zazen and everything that goes with it have the power to reconfigure the system and completely change the brain's chemistry. And for me, it works. I began imposing iron discipline on myself two years ago. I still have down episodes, but they are much milder, and I no longer need antidepressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety drugs, or other drugs. But I went through hell.
The final question I want to ask you, Master Kosen, is: Am I wrong to make zazen an object of faith in order to get rid of this "s..."? Have I made a mistake, gone astray, or deluded myself by deliberately taking up zazen as a weapon in battle? Even if my aim is to remove the obstacle and be able to practice without the shackles of this filthy illness around my feet.
Thank you.
Paul David
paul-david
Answer from Master Kosen
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I have a friend in Argentina whom I particularly appreciate for a number of reasons, such as his intelligence, courage, humor, and talent. Anyway.
For several years, we didn't see him anymore. That's life; what can you do?
In any case, a few years later he reappeared and returned to practice.
But what a transformation! He used to hate samu, and now he was doing three times as much as everyone else, always with a smile, if you please. As for zazen, which we sometimes had to practice in intense heat... He used to drag his feet about going, but now he rushed to the dojo, rain, wind, or heat wave!
After a week of practicing alongside him, we couldn't help asking what had brought about such a metamorphosis.
His answer was simple and direct: "I was prescribed a new antidepressant, and believe it or not, everything I used to find unbearable about Zen now seems extraordinarily pleasant.
With this medication, I love everything I used to hate."
And here, too, we couldn't resist asking with interest: "What was the name of your remedy again?"
Kosen