Question
Hello, I was in a relationship with a man with whom I could have been very happy, but fear kept me from talking to him and telling him what I needed to feel better with him. I naturally smile with people, but not in this situation, because I did not have his trust or confidence in myself in this relationship. It was very good for me at first, but it frightened me. I would never have hoped to find someone like him, and we could surely have given each other a lot if I had truly been myself. But I did not give myself the means to believe in it, and the relationship was difficult for me because we saw each other rarely and under limited circumstances, mostly for sex, which made me shut down. Even though at first he was open to seeing how things developed. But he was not ready to commit more to me, since he had not healed from his previous relationship either, and I was always so afraid he would leave me that of course it happened! I did not know how to trust life, live in the present, and simply receive the gift. He has recently started seeing someone else, and I am anxious. I blame myself for not talking to him earlier and for putting off the conversation, because if I had seen him sooner and talked to him, perhaps it would not have happened. I am sad; my heart hurts. I am afraid of the future without him, of letting go of the gift he was. I do not know whether to try to see him again to talk, which would also show him I am dependent and expect something from him, or cut my losses and say nothing, even though saying nothing saddens me, because we cannot go back. Do you think I should not talk to him, or wait until later, when I have grieved? Or allow myself to see him now, say goodbye and risk being hurt, but at least have told him? I am telling you this because I am lost and do not really know what to do, and I need advice and help... even though it is not about Zen... Thank you.
Lisa
Master Kosen’s answer
There is no point pretending, playing the woman who doesn't give a damn. Suggest a date, a meeting, a face-to-face conversation—call it whatever you like...
Tell him simply and without fuss what you feel, just as you told me. Above all, do not apologize or put yourself beneath him. Just tell him your sincere feelings for him, and more if the feeling is mutual.
Of course you risk being turned down, but it is better to see things through. Anyway, that is only my opinion.
Good luck.
Kosen