Question
Hello, Master Kosen,
I am not sure my first message was appropriate. If it wasn't, please forgive me. I was afraid of both you and myself. (I still am, actually!) And I know very little about your world, which draws me like a magnet.
I am 44, have a 14-year-old son, and have been in a relationship for nine years. I am rather solitary. I tried doing zazen for twenty minutes in my locked bathroom this morning while everyone was asleep. I haven't told anyone yet about this interest (the word bothers me, but I don't yet know enough about what it is; time will tell) in Zen. I constantly try to stop judging myself and others. I have trouble carrying myself. I cling to books and to other people whom I feel are father figures. My relationship with my mother is conflictual. I experience her as a vampire. I have to protect myself (?) When I moved in nine years ago, my partner didn't want her in our home, and later that became my choice too, despite the pain it causes me to do this.
When I was twelve, my mother shot herself in the heart with a .22 long rifle. When I found her, I screamed, and the man attending to her yelled at me to be quiet because he couldn't hear her heart. She stayed in the hospital for a very long time, and I went to live with my sister. When I was sixteen, my father shot himself between the eyes. He died. At twenty, I learned I was HIV-positive. I stopped studying visual arts and deliberately chose to go live on the streets. I painted and drew people on the streets. At thirty, I had a son. At thirty-two, I separated from his father, who kidnapped him to avenge the pain I was causing him. I fought for custody. At thirty-three, I had a severe depression with anxiety attacks and hardly went out anymore. I underwent psychoanalysis for five years. I came out of this depression thanks to the man I am with today, who made me walk regularly in nature, even though I cried constantly.
This heavy past still weighs on my shoulders and neck. My belly is constantly bloated and digests very, very poorly. This oversized belly obsesses me. I have even given up bras despite my sagging breasts! Ha, ha, ha! The joy and spontaneity of my childhood are covered by a diffuse sadness. Do you have any advice? A prescription? A book to recommend?
And if I dared, if I dared... would you adopt me!?
Best wishes,
caroline…
Answer from Master Kosen
Indeed, that is a lot; it is heavy.
Rather hard to digest.
I am sorry for your suffering.
I advise four things:
1. Continue psychotherapy or psychoanalysis, because you need to express and share what is inside you and, above all, put it in order.
2. You write well. Take writing classes if needed to channel the artistic force within you. You must create, build, transform, give birth to works, and illuminate all this darkness.
3. You can manage your emotions and anger through the breath, modulating it and choosing its substance, its texture, and why not its color. Modulate your breath, your breathing, making it tender and gentle; take control of it when needed.
4. You can certainly practice zazen, but it is better to practice in a group to learn the posture and the rest correctly. You can't just do anything with it. There must certainly be a group or dojo in your area. A dojo from my sangha or the AZI is sufficient to teach you the basics of practice.
Keep me informed through simple, practical messages.
Kosen