Question
I have long thought it would be good to attend a retreat with you in France. I have also thought of receiving ordination. I practiced Tibetan Buddhism for a long time, but for some reason I feel an affinity with Zen masters. Kodo Sawaki struck me—it is as though his photographs give me strength—as did Deshimaru and you, Kosen. I feel an affinity even though I have never met you in person. I do not know why, but you give me strength, although I think that is no longer enough.
I was reading a book of Zen commentaries by Joko Beck, a student of Yasutani Roshi, and asked for a definitive answer. A few moments later, a young boy appeared to clean where I was sitting. I told him, "Go ahead!" He answered, "Thank you." I began to cry for no reason. It was as though a structure had broken, as though nothing mattered and all the time "invested" had been useless.
I wanted to share these reflections with you.
Deep within myself, I feel a definitive change, but it makes me extremely anxious because I feel empty, weak, frightened, and very vulnerable.
I humbly ask your advice. Thank you very much.
I will continue sitting in zazen in any case, because I think there is nothing to lose...
I hope to be able to attend a retreat in this life, even as a beginner...
Greetings from Mexico City.
Carlos.
carlos espejo
Master Kosen’s answer
Welcome to my summer camp.
Kosen