Question
How can you accept living without the woman you love, who loves you too? When we are together, everything is magical. Just being in each other’s arms is magical; time no longer exists. We can’t be together because she has someone in her life. She hasn’t been in love with him for a long time, but she still loves him tenderly. She has been happy with him for years, and they have their routines together; he is her partner. She thinks about me constantly and dreams of us getting married and starting a family one day, but at the same time she can’t imagine life without him or leaving him. She tells herself she might fall in love with him again over time. I just feel we are missing out on something beautiful and powerful. If only I had a guarantee she would be happy with him! Of course, I don’t claim to know the future. Maybe this is a good thing; maybe she wouldn’t be happy with me. I just know we truly love each other, and I don’t know how to accept her absence from my life when she brought sunshine into it. I mean, how can I accept it deep down and find a reason to get up in the morning? I know it is unhealthy to give someone that much power over us, but I tell myself that sometimes it happens involuntarily, through feelings. Someone can become another person’s reason for living when they have shared a lot of intimacy and made plans together—apparently very hastily, but the result is there. So how can I accept this, truly accept it and carry on, even if there is no miracle cure? Gassho.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Passion lasts for a while—three, five, seven years—then love grows calmer. The greatest passion turns into tenderness, but the relationship deepens. We love the other person for their own sake, no longer for ourselves or for the passion and sensations they give us. The chemistry of passion is extremely powerful, capable of making anyone lose their head. However, a monk should not covet another man’s wife.
Kosen