Question
Stephane, even though I feel inside that I simply need to do zazen, I cannot (or I do not want to and cannot admit it to myself, which amounts to the same thing in practice).
I do not know why, but my practice has been in a steep decline, until a few months ago I stopped sitting.
From that moment on I began to plummet, letting myself be overwhelmed by suffering and everyday neurosis, until a few weeks ago everything simply stopped affecting me. I do not know how to express it more clearly. It is as if everyday trivialities (I don’t have an ñ or accent marks, forgive me) no longer caused me real suffering or worry, or perhaps as if I no longer cared
whether they did. Since that… moment? I cannot say that I suffer
as I did in the previous stage.
But I cannot say that I am happy either.
Not in a deep sense of the word. I feel as if something is missing from my life, and
inside I think I know that it is because I have abandoned the Way, but I simply do not have the strength to return to it. I am terrified of encountering myself, and I do not know why.
I start making excuses, more and more excuses, until I end up believing them, but deep down I know they are just a way of lying to myself.
This stage has helped me sort out some ideas… I want to return to the Way.
I want to be ordained as a monk and take refuge in the Three Treasures so that I can help and be helped by a true sangha that is happy in the Dharma.
Even so, I have doubts.
The person with whom I have always practiced zazen is a great person (a teacher who was a student of Igarashi Ryotan and Nakamura Doyu at I ON IN, having received transmission, I believe, from the latter). I have great affection and respect for him and trust him completely, but I feel that something is not working.
I have tried practicing at the dojo on Scalabrini Ortiz Street here in Buenos Aires, under Toshiro Yamauchi’s guidance. I loved the atmosphere and felt very comfortable with the sangha, but I do not know why I did not want to switch to practicing there. I must admit (I hope I do not offend you or Toshiro; nothing could be further from my intention) that the fact that Toshiro has not received transmission has influenced this… I know it is stupid and that these are selfish thoughts, but I have heard you and read Master Deshimaru speak so many times about the great importance of choosing the right master that I could almost say I have developed a neurosis about it.
I want to return to the Way, but I do not know how or where. I am afraid of falling into bad habits and having no one to help me.
I know this message is long, tedious, and not really a question. I am not asking you to publish it—although perhaps it could help someone if you did, so I leave that to your discretion—but I would very much like your advice, and this is the only way I found to contact you.
Thank you very much, even just for listening.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
It is very important to understand that there are not that many masters of transmission, and that the people in charge of dojos always have an intimate bond, ‘i shin den shin,’ with their master.
Either you decide to take the big step and devote your life to following a master, and you go where one teaches, or you practice at a dojo while continuing your normal life, even as a monk.
Daily practice is fundamental; it is the best thing. Then come sesshins and camps with your master. That is the normal and noble path of a Zen disciple.
Kosen