Question
I read somewhere in your correspondence: “Paradise is being free
of your own ego, being able to abandon everything and finally know your true
Buddha nature.” This seems very accurate to me, but I cannot
free myself from my ego. I have practiced zazen for three years, alone or at the
dojo, and have attended five sesshins, including two with masters. I have even
mutilated myself, stuffed myself with food, and deliberately exposed myself to various humiliations,
hoping it would go somewhere else for a while. I tried to integrate it, even
its worst traits, going so far as to commit petty and rather
dark actions, just to see whether it would wear itself out or whether I could
know it well enough to outwit it. Today I have stopped all these
self-mutilating practices and no longer deliberately commit bad
actions. I continue practicing zazen without thinking too much about all that, but I
can never free myself from my ego. I pay close attention to my
posture, which is beginning to look good; I am very concentrated, and my breathing is
free and very deep. Am I doing something wrong? Should
I change paths? Why do I remain so
firmly rooted in my ego? Thank you.
P.S. Apparently you will soon give shiho to one of your friends, and he
is thinking of settling and teaching in Quebec. Is that true?
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
The ego is connected to thought. Silence frees you from the ego unconsciously, naturally, automatically.
Kosen