Question
I am eighteen and a half. To me, Buddhism is not a religion but a path of tolerance and thought, and a way of life. I appreciate it for being respectful, and I think the harm and danger of religions lie in disputing things by asserting hypotheses as certainties. Last year, something extraordinary happened amid my distress. One day I attempted suicide; it was not the first time. Suddenly I no longer knew what to do. I became aware of the importance of existence. I felt an indescribable presence, without words or visions. I felt split in two within myself, and this being knew more than I did. It was a real comfort to be understood and not judged. At that moment I also had impressive extrasensory sensations. I became aware that time and space
were an escape of the senses. It was very magical. Was it a spirit helping me? If so, why? Despite myself, I still feel useless. Let me explain: in the months afterward, I wrote a lot and developed a completely new outlook on many things, on the systems of society that I analyze negatively. I write about what I experienced. I have bad, impure thoughts. I see myself hurting myself, and I hurt so much that I am afraid of hurting others. I have always hurt myself to avoid hurting others when they hurt me. My naivety trapped me. I realize how responsible I am for the harm done to me, because in my existing distress I let myself believe, in my pain, that I could find people who had died. I was corrupted at that time; I could no longer think. Today I can, but I do not control my energies. I channel them poorly. I fail at what I am asked to do because, despite myself, I think about what I need to express. I would like to understand why.
I would like to be able to forgive so I can forget that I am tormented.
I would like to understand why I was helped, and if I was, whether everything I experienced was an illusion. And how can I concentrate my energy on developing this path that fascinates me? Thank you very much for answering. I have trouble understanding this grace, this help, when I do not feel deserving of it, and I do not want to be carried away by anger and lose everything I have become aware of.
Namida
Answer from Master Kosen
Do not build your future while looking toward the past.
Kosen