Question
First, I wanted to thank you for answering my question titled “Who is selfish?” I also wanted to share my surprise: why did you think I was the man in the story I told you? It is strange and made me smile… I am part of the trio described, but not in the role you imagined.
I am the one called X, the one who finds it painful to have to lie about the man for three years but cannot detach herself from him.
A few details:
I never asked him to separate physically from the woman, meaning no longer share a roof, only to make the situation clear to everyone. The woman advised against it. She thinks the children, now ages nine to twenty, could not understand, that it would not be “manageable”… I fully understand that she still wants to be free of daily material concerns to follow the Way. But I am beginning to suspect manipulation, that by acting this way she makes him feel guilty and asks a tremendous sacrifice of him and the children too. Don’t they also have the right to the truth about their father?
And to a model of family and couple life in which adults are not sexless people who for five years have slept separately, had no physical contact, and shared neither tenderness nor time except for birthdays and the end-of-year holidays? I am skeptical. I feel this attitude runs counter to the bodhisattva vows—not to lie, to put others before oneself…
I also feel the situation is inextricable. So does the man. His only answer to this impasse is another attempt to break up with me to try to free me from him, bogged down as he is in his fear of acting selfishly… But we continue to see and talk to each other… We are both unhappy…
My question is: is it really always good to tell children the truth, whatever their age? In adolescence, for example, some revelations can be difficult to hear, can’t they? Above all, I do not want to hurt these children I love very much.
Nor their mother or father, of course.
Thank you again.
Anonymous
Master Kosen’s answer
Listen, between us we could write a TV series…
Is it really always good to tell children the truth?
What is truth? The truth of parents who cannot define it for themselves?
I think truth for children is much more intuitive, closer to the rightness of a chord sounding harmonious to the ear. They do not care about their parents’ words, justifications, and complications. Children too are selfish and primarily want to be loved, to think all is well with their parents, and not to worry about those who are supposed to love them.
In schools, over 50 percent of children have separated parents. Sometimes they get along better with their stepmother or stepfather, who often brings them something precious.
The three of you should meet, each present yourselves, and say everything on your hearts. In the end, pair up or separate according to what clearly brings simple happiness. Life and time must not be wasted. Simple happiness never hurt anyone; a shaky relationship, on the other hand, is generally harmful. From your version of events, it seems the woman wants to have her cake and eat it too, trapped in a dogmatic vision of the Way as something separate from real life, whereas the Way is ordinary life itself. The man indulges in this neurotic relationship and likes being frustrated, and you cannot define yourself in this three-way relationship. And why shouldn’t he have two wives if everyone agrees and you are happy with it? Tell the children? Talking is not necessarily needed: if it works well, there is nothing to say. If the children ask, simply tell them the truth. That will be enough.
Kosen