Question
I am 48. My parents divorced when I was an infant, and my mother kept me, back in 1964! Because of health problems, I stayed in a children’s convalescent home by the sea when I was very young: at ages four, five, and six, for six months, six months, and four months respectively. My mother “visited” me once a month, sometimes less. Later, I was also sent to health camps almost every summer, for one or two months each time, by the sea or in the mountains. This was partly for my health, but also because it “freed” my mother from me at the same time. She had me at 42, and I am her sixth child. My mother, who came from modest circumstances, was always terribly anxious. She never managed to get back on her feet or build a new life with another man, except for an on-and-off relationship lasting about ten years with a man who, incidentally, fondled me many times when I was 14! I only told my mother many years later… All my life I have lacked self-confidence, and it has held me back in my studies and my relationships with others… As a very small child, I had this terrifying feeling of abandonment. I spent my whole life without a father and my entire youth with a very anxious mother! It is as though I was confronted far too brutally and far too young with my loneliness, and through it probably also with the idea of death! I have always been terribly worried. I have tried quite a few therapies that helped me “hang on,” and recently “sensitive massage” (the Camilli method), which went beyond words and gave me a little basic sense of security. I hope that one day before I die I will manage to feel more at peace! I have the feeling that we are nothing, that time passes and we are already dead! I am not trying to be pessimistic when I say this; it is what I feel! Yet here I am, right now, still here. What should I do? I sense a great depth in Zen that speaks to me. One of my brothers, who practices, introduced me to it quite some time ago. I have read a few books and started practicing, though still very little! I practice in a chair because I have scoliosis and a herniated disk, and no flexibility. I would appreciate some “feedback” from you. I do not really have a question, except perhaps one: the idea of being “one” with everything around us and with the “cosmos.” For now I feel very far from it, even though I can conceive of being part of an “interdependent whole.” I feel rather alone in my body and confronted with the impermanence of everything, and that overwhelms me! What would you advise? Thank you.
Emmanuel
Master Kosen’s answer
Practice zazen; it will strengthen you.
Kosen