Question
Master, first I should tell you that I have been studying the Dharma in depth for six years. In my philosophical search, I came to read about Buddhism, and it matched what I thought. That was when I began to realize everything. I should tell you that I admire you as one of the best masters I have seen. I am particularly interested in Zen. I have been a philosopher since childhood. People thought I was an indigo child, but I do not believe in those things. I have a photoblog where I used to write philosophical and Buddhist texts. To get to the point and summarize, the problem troubling me is this: I had depression and similar things, went into treatment, and was able to recover. But in 2008 I fell in love with a girl over the Internet and decided to fall into samsara for a while to enjoy pleasures and gain experience. I do not know whether that was a mistake, but to summarize further, I continued like that until early 2010, a little depressed but happy and in love. I still enjoyed life very much, and there was still something of the “philosopher” left in me. Anyway, in 2010 my mother thought I was crazy because of how I behaved, and I wanted to go crazy to experience my girlfriend’s problem, which was schizophrenia. I also wanted to experience it to know what it felt like, while keeping everything under control. It was like an investigation into samsara. In the end, in May 2010, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia remotely, without anyone even seeing me, and that was what I wanted. You could say I had brought it on myself. But within a few days, everything was interrupted when my mother rearranged my room (since I was obsessive-compulsive, and there was still something left that I myself had allowed into my mind, being weak in my condition). This affected me because I had been putting all my disorder in order as I set out to heal myself mentally. In a way, it affected me because of my obsession with order and all the rituals, and my unhealthy attachment to them. But here is the problem: over the course of a few days, while I was on medication, a problem arose. Earlier, when I was enjoying life, I had created a character for myself (which I forgot to mention), a character with the traits I wanted: reserved, quiet, etc. It was afterward that I became obsessed with madness. So, to continue, what happened was that I stopped feeling that character, and at the same time I felt I had lost my identity in a heavy, inexplicable way… I no longer felt like myself. I felt that I was losing something like the “soul” or spirit inside me. Now I cannot watch movies, because I feel something inside strongly compels me not to. When I sit down to watch a movie I like, I feel that the person sitting there is not me, and I cannot do it because watching it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. It no longer gives me the enjoyment it used to. That is it in a nutshell. Now, every afternoon I feel that I must stay glued to the computer, not because I enjoy it, but as if out of obligation—or rather, to kill time until night falls, when I feel a little relieved, but still burdened by being unable to enjoy life fully as I did in early 2010, and even less able to do the things I did when I was a more normal person, when I studied Buddhism and had not decided to be in samsara (so to speak). None of the advice I am given helps, and no one understands what is wrong with me. But I would be content with a few words of encouragement from you, and if you could help me or heal me, even better. I would be willing to travel to Argentina. That is all. Sorry to have gone on so long, but it was necessary. Gassho
Mathy
Answer from Master Kosen
Okay, okay…
Kosen