Question
I don’t really see the connection. I have no particular respect for the people at the AZI—quite the opposite. That is actually why I refuse to set foot at La Gendro. Most of the people in my dojo follow Philippe Coupey, who, even though he doesn’t dare leave the AZI for reasons I couldn’t care less about, is not in favor with those currently in charge. I like him, but I can’t see him as a master who could truly guide me.
But honestly, your answer surprises me a little.
Shouldn’t practice be enough in itself?
I think the real problem is me. I have been out of step for too long. I put myself in that position more or less willingly (although I think we don’t choose anything), precisely because I found no meaning in the life everyone was offering me. But today I have to acknowledge that my own life has absolutely no meaning either—even less, in fact, because some of the people who have joined mainstream society aren’t such fools after all. They aren’t all dreaming of a new LCD screen.
A while ago, I asked you about my way of life (I steal my food from supermarkets) and my wish to take
bodhisattva vows… I thought your answer was as apt as could be, but the problem is that I then told myself: “OK, let’s keep taking advantage of it, and we’ll see later.” That is how I ended up using your teaching.
The truth is that after three years of Vipassana and almost four of zazen, I am still being led around by my desires and my fear: fear of life, fear of others, fear of myself, fear of losing everything, though I have so little left…
Since this is all in writing, let me clarify: my throat is tight and my eyes are a little wet. The keyboard creates some distance, but if I had tried to express this out loud, I certainly would have cried. For a guy, I cry regularly, actually, sometimes in zazen—not often, but still. I remember a video in which you said that people like me made you want to cut their heads off, or something along those lines.
Anonymous
Answer from Master Kosen
Shouldn’t practice be enough in itself?/
OK, but what practice? What are you practicing?
You are going to answer: I practice zazen. But what zazen? What is zazen?????? Zazen is infinite, just like your life.
I have been out of step for too long.
Yes, you are out of step. You think there is you on one side, with your needs and desires, and on the other, a hostile reality with no connection to you.
So you need to awaken, and there is nothing mysterious about that word. It means loving yourself, loving life (in its essence), loving mind (the reality that is yours), and it will give you everything you need.
And don’t forget something I have already told you: give thanks instead of complaining.
Kosen