I shall want to speak about Satori and I shall mean that we can meditate, we can do zazen all our lives and experiment satori or the kundalini a million times, 4 times a day, even if it is still violence, or isolation, we become a buddha or a god for ourselves but life is not this. Now, if I feel a satori is coming I want to throw it out, it annoys me because I see that it makes me be apart from the world. I want no more satori, it is not that I knew it but I want to throw it out of my life, it is a virus. What I want is to relate with others and the world, what I want is to be able to observe, find, understand the world with all my attention. A huge amount of energy is required and I don't have it, I often get lost in myself, I often return. There is no road and no obstacles, we are as newborns.
A disciple may want a master or a master may want a disciple. A man may meditate in front of a wall for 9 years, he would lose 9 years of his life. Life is in relation with others and the world.
What separate us from the rest of the world it is not certainly the Satori.
The kind of contradiction that you expressed is called a disease of the spirit.